The Contrast, or, How to Lose Yourself Completely in The Fug

Clearly they're both trying really hard.

Jesse Metcalfe, who was once pretty cute and surely doable on Desperate Housewives, now looks like Britney Spears's next-door neighbor from way back when, a childhood friend who called her up a few days ago because he drove all the way to L.A. and is looking to make it big as an Eminem-mentored rapper with a heart of gold. He believes his first single could be a remixed version of Carrie Underwood's "Jesus, Take the Wheel," feat. Pharrell and Timbaland.

And then there's David Beckham. Honestly, he could wear a giant placenta and we'd figure out a way to use it in the bedroom. In the abstract, the camo shorts, hair, and sunglasses are open invitations to stab a guy in the ass cheek, but Becks just makes it work. Las Latinas would personally fund scientific research towards finding a cure for the mysterious "I'm unable to transform into Beckham's coffee-lid at will" syndrome. It makes a bit of sense and you know it.

His voice, however, is a little annoying and that's where the popsicles would come in handy.