The Dilemma

On the one hand, it is pretty sad that Britney broke down during a music video shoot and jumped into a pool with a random 21-year-old, who later sold the pics to Us Weekly, landing them on the cover.

On the other, the guy is pretty hott, the pool was at L.A.'s Standard Hotel, and neither party complained. In fact, Brit got some and the dude was paid for being a douche - everyone wins and karma smiles upon us.

In the end, however, it's a tragedy.

Britney's kids were probably stuck inside an oven somewhere looking for pie crumbs; the media get to claim that Ms. Spears is on a "tramp-age;" the college student doesn't get to seal the deal because his drunken friend almost drowns; Brit probably thought the youth - Mr. Encinas - was actually in "Encino Man" and was on the up-and-up after getting a role in ABC's upcoming Cavemen.

While we weep, please enjoy the sweet smell of sanity. Someone lost her senses and has lost said privilege.

The More Things Change...

Yeah, we're threading these together.

Ang Lee is back, but calm down, homos - it's not one of those movies again. Though the name of the film is "Lust, Caution."



Meanwhile, Donald Trump has invited Rosie to appear on a celebrity edition of The Apprentice.

Last and certainly least, Britney (above) just bought a puppy for $3,000. She's also auditioning for the inevitable award-winning roles of "Drunken Drag Queen Version of Natalie Portman in 'Closer'" *and* "Long-Lost Latina Cousin on the Street Corner" in the movie adaptation of our lives. Respect.

Britney Wishes You a Happy Monday

Caramba, this bitch is nuts.

In our wildest, most intoxicated dreams we've never embarrassed ourselves quite like this. (Besides that one time when our tongues got stuck in a Corona bottle and we needed some Goya corn oil to set us free. BUT WE STILL HELD OUR HEADS HIGH. Or did we pass out in that guy's lap? Blur.) And we recognize that wearing a bikini when no one else around us is could be a not-great idea.

The hat doesn't help.

Brit: give us a call! We could totally fit lap-dancing, chihuahua-stealing (Paris's!!), and Cuervo breastpumps into one hott weekend in June.

(Source, source)

Either Britney Bought Out The Company's Inventory Of These Socks...

...or they could really stand to get washed. Unfortunately, knowing Britney as we all do, I think we know the credited response. Brit, it's time to retire these just long enough to make us believe you sent them for a spin through the washing machine.

Source

Hypothesis of the Week

Sure, Britney still looks like an audience member at a Halloween-themed taping of Jerry Springer, all decked out in what her third personality believes is a Daisy Duke costume. But her stomach looks kind of hott. How is this possible?? Lipo, 61 personal trainers, and a lemon-juice diet would not suffice.

Egotastic! provides the best explanation so far:

"I'm...not buying that this person is really Britney Spears. I think the real Britney Spears died of a drug overdose, and the record labels used her placenta to create a clone. Of course, since cloning technology hasn't been perfected yet, Britney 2.0 went a bit crazy, shaved all its hair off, and attacked the paparazzi with an umbrella."

Fun New Game! Pick Your Fave Outfit and Win a Britney-Borne Baby

(Source)

Click on Me

Britney insists on using the media to use herself.

Las Latinas are pissed at Edward Norton's decision to participate in a Hulk movie. With that out of the way, we realize that a buff Ed Norton is a doable-in-a-double Ed Norton.

THE RETURN OF MENUDO. We were asked to guest-judge, but were eventually deemed "too salty and bloodied" for American audiences.

Excuse us for a sec. Pardon? Jamie Bell is legal? And he's replacing White D'Angelo in "Equus"? We're there.

Listen to Kelly Clarkson's new song, "Never Again," and start memorizing it for eventual karaoke purposes.

The Sorting Hat Says: "House of Dementialor"

Britney Spears overload. And deep-fried.



(Photo credit.)

Is Our Long National Nightmare Over?

TMZ tells us that someone told them that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their divorce.

Apparently, K-Fed-Ex will get around $1 million. As for their two kids, Britney and Kevin will have joint custody, sharing physical custody 50/50.

Which we bet means that Kevin gets to feed them pot some days, and Brit has the option of cleaning their belly-buttons with a smooth vodka-Red Bull lotion the rest of the month.

Britney Exits Rehab, Returns From Alternate Dimension Where Björk Reigns Over All

Not desiring to go too far, since we do want Britney to live a longer life and thus support her during this uncertain period.

But.

Las Latinas cannot remain silent when confronted with this cornucopia of craziness. Unless one of AA's 12 Suggested Steps is, "came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to fashion effed-upped-ness and dementia," in which case we respectfully stand corrected.

Quoting that obnoxious kitty: HANG IN THERE.

(Pics found here.)

Britney Stretches Her Legs a Bit

Britney Spears checked out of Promises Malibu Alcohol and Drug Rehab Treatment Facility "after successfully completing their program," Spears's manager, Larry Rudolph, said in a statement released by Jive Records late Tuesday.

We seriously hope for the best, although we should know better by now.

We also seriously hope that Britney will schedule a TV interview, pronto. Dr. Phil is the obvious choice, but more star-wattage is called for here. And anyone having any connection to Anna Nicole Smith would be priceless, because we'd get to hear a hott speech about how Britney is "going down ANS's path" and how "only you, Britney, can turn away from it," etc. "THINK OF YOUR KIDS!" Loving it already.

Finally, to put to rest the rumors: we have not asked Britney to join our Latina Gang. The shaved head was an impressive first step in her conversion, but we saw some pics of her playing tennis and whatnot while in rehab, and that just cannot stand. Our bitches are ruthless and non-white wherever they go.

Don't Let Us Be the Last to Know

Is this Britney Spears?

The good news: it is not her.

The bad news: we all know it could be.

We Call Bullsh*t

1. Are Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen dating, or just driving to her apartment to prepare for a Captain Oats-Princess Sparkle-themed party? It might be fun to have Hayden kiss our thighs, but we're smart enough to recognize a mall-buddy when we see one.

2. Life & Style "reports" that Britney was moved to tears as she read a Justin Timberlake letter, in which he offered to be there for her when she completes her stint in rehab. The insider says, "She could barely catch her breath to read the words. It was one of the most moving letters she had ever received. He poured his heart out. He told her he was sorry they fell in love so young, because if they'd fallen in love even just a few years later, he would've married her - and they'd probably have kids together by now.” Riiiiight.

3. Is Rosie leaving The View?

4. We're fairly certain God hates us, but maybe you love Him back.

Fun Game: Try to Find a Connection Where There is None!

Britney is addicted to uncool coke. (Related: send Britney your support!)

Ellen & Portia marrying in June??

News That Blogger Forcefully Makes Fit

First, the Daytime Emmy Noms came out today, and only one category really matters:

Outstanding Talk Show Host

DR. PHIL * SYN
DR. PHIL MCGRAW, HOST

THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW * SYN
ELLEN DEGENERES, HOST

RACHAEL RAY * SYN
RACHAEL RAY, HOST

SOAP TALK * SOAPNET
LISA RINNA, HOST
TY TREADWAY, HOST

THE TYRA BANKS SHOW * SYN
TYRA BANKS, HOST

THE VIEW * ABC
BARBARA WALTERS, CO-HOST
ROSIE O'DONNELL, CO-HOST
JOY BEHAR, CO-HOST
ELISABETH HASSELBECK, CO-HOST

Tyra's War on Fat (and Sanity) deserves its own special Emmy, but we all know The View has to win this award. Even Donald Trump knows it.

Meanwhile, we're happy to report that Britney - allegedly - is sufficiently healthy and competent to start a new romance with a great new man. Seriously, this one has so much potential. (Was Robbie Williams unavailable?)

Finally. Welcome back, Daddy Lohan! No, silly, we don't mean Bruce Willis.

Breaking News: Shar Jackson Still Unemployed and Entertaining Offers to Host, Attend St. Patty's Day Parties

She's also willing to shave her head if you throw in a Miller Lite.

Related: Tori Spelling in labor. (Update: and baby makes three.)