The Hiltons Decide to End the Charade

Paris Hilton was released from a Los Angeles County jail early Thursday because of an unspecified medical problem and will fulfill the reminder of her sentence in home confinement, a sheriff's spokesman said.

"Unspecified medical condition?" Famewhorishness is treatable in prison, bitches.

Next step: dating a new guy. We suggest Eli Roth (the guy who allegedly directed the "Hostel" movies), who's such a class act. Sample. "The upsides," says Roth of the fortuitous combination of successful-Hollywood-director status and a MySpace page, "are the chicks." "You meet girls, and they're like, 'Oh, you're just in town for one night. I bet you have this with girls in every city.' And you're like, 'No! Because every city they say this!' And you never get laid at all. Then you meet girls on MySpace who actually want to meet you, and you're like, yeah, let's hook up, and it's awesome!"