Parisgate, or, The Shawskank Redemption

(The latter was Conan's name, not ours. Credit where it's due.)

Contrary to early reports, poor Paris Hilton WILL have to appear in person in court today. No phoning it in this time, slut.

She's got to be pissed; nobody makes Paris miss Friday National Bingo Night on ABC.

Meanwhile, a "reporter" on MSNBC, presumably discussing the Hilton home, just said: "I'm not familiar with Paris's interior." He also felt comfortable saying, "We have a chihuahua sighting." Tinkerbell, obvi.

America has officially become the main gate to Hell.