Lazy Tuesday (for Blogging)

It's Not Alright and There is No Salvation

The guy who played Mr. Belding and the celebutard who played Brody Jenner on The Princes of Malibu and The Hills. The picture was taken at PURE Nightclub in Vegas.

Yes, that is a $5 bill.

Yes, we once thought Brody was pretty decent looking.

Yes, we smell a VH1 reality show in the making.

Is this the day Zach Attack's music died?

(Source, source)

The Goddess of Radioactive Genderf***ing?

Gwyneth Paltrow in the September issue of W.

There It Is

Surprising no one, Barbara Walters announced today that Whoopi Goldberg, (one of only ten individuals who have won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony Award, counting Daytime Emmy Awards; the second African American female performer to win an Academy Award for acting; she has also won two Golden Globe Awards) is the new moderator on The View.

Her stint starts the day after Labor Day.

Nothing was said regarding Starzilla's still-open seat.

Donald Trump could not be reached for comment.

Star Jones Also Reveals That David Beckham is Attractive and Clay Aiken Gay

After being fired from The View and enduring Rosie O'Donnell's constant taunting, Star Jones has finally decided to set the record straight about her drastic weight loss, shocking us all by revealing that she did, in fact, resort to gastric-bypass surgery.

Like any attorney, Star says she was ''intentionally evasive'' when people asked how she'd dropped 160 pounds in three years. She weighed 307 pounds at her heaviest. This amazing woman writes about her weight loss in a first-person essay in the September issue of Glamour.

THIS IS ALL WE GET?? Lindsay gets arrested for DUI and coke possession and Paris loses and regains her inheritance in four hours. What is Star Jones bringing to the entertainment table? It was clear she had gastric bypass; the only way to lose so much weight is with drastic surgery or by puking until both Olsen twins come out your mouth. If this is Star's way of getting us to watch her show on Court TV (it exists), she's failed.

We could reconsider if Big Gay Al (her husband) comes out on her show.

(FYI: Tomorrow, the gals on The View will announce who's replacing Rosie and Star for good.)

Back to Paula.

Fear It

*Fear the Gay Chicken*

Out-Acting Katie Holmes in One Scene. Sans Dialogue.

Maggie Gyllehaaallllyyyaaannnlll and Heath Ledger as Ms. Dawes and Joker in the next Batman movie.

Dame Chocolate

She's Spent More Time Face-First in Joel Madden's Lap

A pregnant Nicole Richie faced the music for her wrong-way DUI bust in December -- her second DUI conviction in 4 years. A court commissioner sentenced Richie to serve four days in the City or County Jail -- she got credit for a fifth day, for the six hours she served after being busted.

Nicole was also fined $2,048, was ordered back to school for 21 days to an alcohol education course, and on three years probation. Richie must report to serve her time by September 28.

BORING.

It's undeniable that if a pre-Academy Award Jennifer Hudson, *for instance*, had been caught driving in the wrong direction and high on everything the local pharmacy has to offer, she would've been jailed for months.

Hilary Duff, Madden's ex, must be equally displeased. She was probably hoping Nicole's incarceration would've led to some hot makeup action. And TMZ was hoping for the racy video.

No es Bueno: Dakota Fanning

If you thought we'd take it easy with child actors, or ignore them altogether, you've been wasting your time enjoying the wrong blog.

Fair enough: If we had been famous when we were 13, the pictures of our wearing shocking-pink curlers, shorty-short jean skirts, fishnet stockings, a pierced bellybutton, a crack pipe, and carrying a huge bottle of bubble-blower solution would've been slightly humiliating.

But the internets were merciful back then.

Dakota, regretfully, is not as lucky. She's less irritating now that Abigail Breslin is around,* but we still fear her.

That is why we must - cautiously - chastise her for dressing up like the Ghost of Sarajevo Gypsy Christmas. Even Virginia Madsen is laughing at her, though Dakota thinks Virginia's laughing with her after the former told the joke about how Tom Cruise's camel toe had to be constantly disguised with CGI during "War of the Worlds."

(Source)

*Never forget:

Better with Age

Does anyone look hotter than Heidi Klum in the U.K.'s Arena? We hate models, but we concede we can detect a hint of "range" in these pictures, from silly and flirty to pure sexxy. And she's recently birthed a couple of tiny bitches. A little jealous?

The Spice Girls, on the other hand, were photoshopped within an inch of existence and it's sad. We'll be at the reunion tour, obvi, but someone needed to say auf wiedersehen to the marketing person who suggested that they digitally re-alter the Girls to the point where they look like characters in "Shrek 14."

A Giant Polar Bear Attacks NYC?

Earlier this month, J.J. Abrams (Alias, Lost, Mission: Impossible III) ignited a firestorm of curiosity by blowing the head off the Statue of Liberty in a grainy trailer for a nameless film. Now he's upping the intrigue with this teaser poster.

Unofficially known as Cloverfield (the name of a street in L.A. where Abrams has an office), the film, at press time, does not have an official title. We do know it's a monster movie written by Lost writer Drew Goddard, produced by Abrams, and directed by Felicity co-creator Matt Reeves (who's also shooting it cinema-verité-style on digital video).

For more teasers, visit Abrams' new site, www.1-18-08.com

We Watch the Watchmen

It's not like we're ever entirely comfortable revealing contradictory sides of our persona, but once in a while the nerdy Latina overcomes the cold-hearted killing machine and we shiver.

That said.

Geeks, rejoice:

"Watchmen," the long-gestating big-screen adaptation of the seminal DC Comics limited series, has finally found its superheroes. Patrick Wilson, Jackie Earle Haley, Matthew Goode, Billy Crudup, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Malin Akerman have been cast in the Warner Bros. movie.

Via The Hollywood Reporter:

"Set in an alternate America, "Watchmen" follows costumed hero Rorschach, who is living a vigilante lifestyle because most masked heroes have retired or been outlawed. While investigating a murder, Rorschach learns that a former masked-hero colleague has been killed, prompting him to begin investigating a possible conspiracy.

Haley ["Little Children"] will play Walter Kovacs, aka Rorschach, who ignores the ban on costumed vigilantes. Crudup will play Dr. Manhattan, a superpowered being with godlike powers and temperament. Akerman ["Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle"] will play Laurie Juspeczyk/the Silk Spectre, who is involved with Dr. Manhattan -- but that relationship begins to fall apart as he becomes more disconnected from humanity. Goode ["Match Point"] will play Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, a costume adventurer who retired voluntarily, disclosed his identity and built a large fortune. He hatches a plot to avert a global catastrophe he believes will be caused by Dr. Manhattan. Wilson ["Little Children", "Angels in America"] will play the Nite-Owl, a crime-figher who uses technical wizardry and has an owl-shaped flying vehicle. Morgan [Grey's Anatomy] will play the Comedian, a cigar-chomping, gun-toting vigilante-turned-paramilitary agent."

Ay ay ay ay - we love it. This is a pretty amazing cast, considering it's not the most well-known source material. But if they make it work, it could be one of the best comic book-based movies ever. Or "graphic novel," naive virgins. Get laid!

(P.S. We still don't forgive Crudup for cheating on then-pregnant Mary-Louise Parker. With Claire Danes, for class's sake.)

Phoning It In

After two-and-a-half years together, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have split. The 26-year-old actress broke up with Warren, a 28-year-old producer, last week over the phone, sources tell Usmagazine.com. Sources say that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer", called Warren on July 22 and told him, "I'm not in love with you anymore."

Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren's belongings and move him out.

Jessica has always been too hott for Cash, so his Yalie ass ain't getting any pity from us. Our honey is one of the worst - and thus luckiest - actresses in Hollywood today, and she doesn't need a bloated version of Every Other Guy keeping her down.

Latinas come first. Always.

Oh, wait.

Today in Disturbia

Tomkat unleashed the inner gravity-challenged alien at the July 22 “Welcome to America” party the couple threw for Posh and David Beckham in L.A.


Also, Beyonce cannot be stopped:

Pink at the End of Lindsay's Tunnel

Delish.

(More)

I Know Who Booked Me

Lindsay Lohan, who just finished a second stint in rehab, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving early today. La Lohan, who is already facing a drunken driving charge in Beverly Hills, was pulled over near the Santa Monica Police Department after authorities spotted her car chasing another vehicle. ("Nobody turns down my offer for a game of drunken, coked-up Parcheesi...NOBODY!!!")

LL was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, driving on a suspended license and possession of cocaine, among other charges. Cops allegedly found cocaine in one of her pants pockets during a pre-booking search.

Our chica really wanted to one-up Paris, huh? Nicole's pregnant ass is down for the count, so maybe Lindsay felt she had to unleash the full power of the Firecrotch upon turning 21.

Dumb.

And it's not like even we would go see her new movie opening this weekend. First-row seats for her inevitable Larry King (or Barbara Walters?) interview, though.

Journalism

We can see it now:

Lifetime decides to greenlight the next big made-for-TV movie. Starring Abigail Breslin as the now-girl, Paw Prints on My Heart tells the chilling story of how a chihuahua's brave actions saved a life, but also marked a soul.

Following her sex-change op, allowing no men to approach her, Abigail's character comes to understand that a snake is not always a metaphor, and that letting others in is - ultimately - life's true, beautiful blessing.

Roma Downey co-stars.

The inspiration.

Brat

Paula Abdul totally loses it when she finds out she's been fired from the Bratz movie. PauAbd was supposed to be an executive producer, choreograph the dancing, and design the dolls' clothing.

She was fired via e-mail.

PP Overload

Still zero clues as to why Phoebe Price is mentionable (even Wikipedia is useless), but that's never stopped us before.

Here's a video of the fashion icon doing what we presume she does best: BS'ing a poor, unsuspecting, soon-to-be acolyte into submission.

Rihanna Wants to be More Than Radio-Friendly

New one: "Don't Stop the Music"

Melodrama Mojito Mambo!

Here at OLDL we were disappointed that we might have to sit through the dreadfulness that is "El Cantante" to soak up our own off-white version of summer overacting, fauxdorableness, and scriptlessness. Which is to say, a Latina "License to Wed."

GRACIAS A DIOS, J-Lo once again saves our collective soul by coming out with an inspired video for her second single (si, she has an album out), "Me Haces Falta." We have told her, lately, that we love her.

Don Imus Gets a Co-Host

TMZ has obtained a photo of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on the set of The Simple Life, with Sally Kirkland (who can also be seen at the top-left corner of our blogo) in "full-on blackface and an afro."

Nicole talked Kirkland into donning the getup to portray Lionel Richie in an episode of the show.

Even Las Latinas are careful to avoid touching this one with a 50-mile pole.

That said, Sally could've played Angelina Jolie's/Mariane "Litigatrix" Pearl 's father in "A Mighty Heart."

Correcto, we've bought ourselves first-class tickets to Hell and this is just another cocktail for the journey.

Doggie Style

Two great videos via WOW.

First up, Underdog's worst enemy: an army of laser-dodging hott bitches.



Followed by another clip from CBS's Big Brother 8. Here, we find Nick "I'm not gay, but if I was" LastName discussing the list of guys with whom he'd sleep. Note the "Brad Pitt - duh" comment, as well as the "Have you seen 'Snatch' or 'Fight Club'...? W-o-w" gem.

The Emmys Are Still Addicted to Irrelevancy

The Primetime Emmy noms were announced today. Kudos for recognizing 30 Rock, Extras, and Brothers & Sisters.

Huge mistakes: The Starter Wife, Boston Legal, etc.

More audacious, though, was failing to (again) genuinely recognize some of the best shows on television: The Wire, Gilmore Girls (THROW IT A BONE!), Battlestar Galactica, and Friday Night Lights.

Las Latinas love us some La Betty, but when TV miraculously manages to achieve so much, you cannot nominate Kiefer Sutherland in place of any of the young actors on the finest season of Baltimore's (and America's) mirror.


With that, the three-hour Emmy Awards ceremony will be broadcast Sept. 16 by Fox from the Shrine Auditorium, and we'll be playing new drinking games.