Star Jones Also Reveals That David Beckham is Attractive and Clay Aiken Gay

After being fired from The View and enduring Rosie O'Donnell's constant taunting, Star Jones has finally decided to set the record straight about her drastic weight loss, shocking us all by revealing that she did, in fact, resort to gastric-bypass surgery.

Like any attorney, Star says she was ''intentionally evasive'' when people asked how she'd dropped 160 pounds in three years. She weighed 307 pounds at her heaviest. This amazing woman writes about her weight loss in a first-person essay in the September issue of Glamour.

THIS IS ALL WE GET?? Lindsay gets arrested for DUI and coke possession and Paris loses and regains her inheritance in four hours. What is Star Jones bringing to the entertainment table? It was clear she had gastric bypass; the only way to lose so much weight is with drastic surgery or by puking until both Olsen twins come out your mouth. If this is Star's way of getting us to watch her show on Court TV (it exists), she's failed.

We could reconsider if Big Gay Al (her husband) comes out on her show.

(FYI: Tomorrow, the gals on The View will announce who's replacing Rosie and Star for good.)

Back to Paula.

Fear It

*Fear the Gay Chicken*

Out-Acting Katie Holmes in One Scene. Sans Dialogue.

Maggie Gyllehaaallllyyyaaannnlll and Heath Ledger as Ms. Dawes and Joker in the next Batman movie.

Dame Chocolate

She's Spent More Time Face-First in Joel Madden's Lap

A pregnant Nicole Richie faced the music for her wrong-way DUI bust in December -- her second DUI conviction in 4 years. A court commissioner sentenced Richie to serve four days in the City or County Jail -- she got credit for a fifth day, for the six hours she served after being busted.

Nicole was also fined $2,048, was ordered back to school for 21 days to an alcohol education course, and on three years probation. Richie must report to serve her time by September 28.

BORING.

It's undeniable that if a pre-Academy Award Jennifer Hudson, *for instance*, had been caught driving in the wrong direction and high on everything the local pharmacy has to offer, she would've been jailed for months.

Hilary Duff, Madden's ex, must be equally displeased. She was probably hoping Nicole's incarceration would've led to some hot makeup action. And TMZ was hoping for the racy video.

No es Bueno: Dakota Fanning

If you thought we'd take it easy with child actors, or ignore them altogether, you've been wasting your time enjoying the wrong blog.

Fair enough: If we had been famous when we were 13, the pictures of our wearing shocking-pink curlers, shorty-short jean skirts, fishnet stockings, a pierced bellybutton, a crack pipe, and carrying a huge bottle of bubble-blower solution would've been slightly humiliating.

But the internets were merciful back then.

Dakota, regretfully, is not as lucky. She's less irritating now that Abigail Breslin is around,* but we still fear her.

That is why we must - cautiously - chastise her for dressing up like the Ghost of Sarajevo Gypsy Christmas. Even Virginia Madsen is laughing at her, though Dakota thinks Virginia's laughing with her after the former told the joke about how Tom Cruise's camel toe had to be constantly disguised with CGI during "War of the Worlds."

(Source)

*Never forget:

Better with Age

Does anyone look hotter than Heidi Klum in the U.K.'s Arena? We hate models, but we concede we can detect a hint of "range" in these pictures, from silly and flirty to pure sexxy. And she's recently birthed a couple of tiny bitches. A little jealous?

The Spice Girls, on the other hand, were photoshopped within an inch of existence and it's sad. We'll be at the reunion tour, obvi, but someone needed to say auf wiedersehen to the marketing person who suggested that they digitally re-alter the Girls to the point where they look like characters in "Shrek 14."

A Giant Polar Bear Attacks NYC?

Earlier this month, J.J. Abrams (Alias, Lost, Mission: Impossible III) ignited a firestorm of curiosity by blowing the head off the Statue of Liberty in a grainy trailer for a nameless film. Now he's upping the intrigue with this teaser poster.

Unofficially known as Cloverfield (the name of a street in L.A. where Abrams has an office), the film, at press time, does not have an official title. We do know it's a monster movie written by Lost writer Drew Goddard, produced by Abrams, and directed by Felicity co-creator Matt Reeves (who's also shooting it cinema-verité-style on digital video).

For more teasers, visit Abrams' new site, www.1-18-08.com

We Watch the Watchmen

It's not like we're ever entirely comfortable revealing contradictory sides of our persona, but once in a while the nerdy Latina overcomes the cold-hearted killing machine and we shiver.

That said.

Geeks, rejoice:

"Watchmen," the long-gestating big-screen adaptation of the seminal DC Comics limited series, has finally found its superheroes. Patrick Wilson, Jackie Earle Haley, Matthew Goode, Billy Crudup, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Malin Akerman have been cast in the Warner Bros. movie.

Via The Hollywood Reporter:

"Set in an alternate America, "Watchmen" follows costumed hero Rorschach, who is living a vigilante lifestyle because most masked heroes have retired or been outlawed. While investigating a murder, Rorschach learns that a former masked-hero colleague has been killed, prompting him to begin investigating a possible conspiracy.

Haley ["Little Children"] will play Walter Kovacs, aka Rorschach, who ignores the ban on costumed vigilantes. Crudup will play Dr. Manhattan, a superpowered being with godlike powers and temperament. Akerman ["Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle"] will play Laurie Juspeczyk/the Silk Spectre, who is involved with Dr. Manhattan -- but that relationship begins to fall apart as he becomes more disconnected from humanity. Goode ["Match Point"] will play Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, a costume adventurer who retired voluntarily, disclosed his identity and built a large fortune. He hatches a plot to avert a global catastrophe he believes will be caused by Dr. Manhattan. Wilson ["Little Children", "Angels in America"] will play the Nite-Owl, a crime-figher who uses technical wizardry and has an owl-shaped flying vehicle. Morgan [Grey's Anatomy] will play the Comedian, a cigar-chomping, gun-toting vigilante-turned-paramilitary agent."

Ay ay ay ay - we love it. This is a pretty amazing cast, considering it's not the most well-known source material. But if they make it work, it could be one of the best comic book-based movies ever. Or "graphic novel," naive virgins. Get laid!

(P.S. We still don't forgive Crudup for cheating on then-pregnant Mary-Louise Parker. With Claire Danes, for class's sake.)

Phoning It In

After two-and-a-half years together, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have split. The 26-year-old actress broke up with Warren, a 28-year-old producer, last week over the phone, sources tell Usmagazine.com. Sources say that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer", called Warren on July 22 and told him, "I'm not in love with you anymore."

Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren's belongings and move him out.

Jessica has always been too hott for Cash, so his Yalie ass ain't getting any pity from us. Our honey is one of the worst - and thus luckiest - actresses in Hollywood today, and she doesn't need a bloated version of Every Other Guy keeping her down.

Latinas come first. Always.

Oh, wait.

Today in Disturbia

Tomkat unleashed the inner gravity-challenged alien at the July 22 “Welcome to America” party the couple threw for Posh and David Beckham in L.A.


Also, Beyonce cannot be stopped:

Pink at the End of Lindsay's Tunnel

Delish.

(More)

I Know Who Booked Me

Lindsay Lohan, who just finished a second stint in rehab, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving early today. La Lohan, who is already facing a drunken driving charge in Beverly Hills, was pulled over near the Santa Monica Police Department after authorities spotted her car chasing another vehicle. ("Nobody turns down my offer for a game of drunken, coked-up Parcheesi...NOBODY!!!")

LL was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, driving on a suspended license and possession of cocaine, among other charges. Cops allegedly found cocaine in one of her pants pockets during a pre-booking search.

Our chica really wanted to one-up Paris, huh? Nicole's pregnant ass is down for the count, so maybe Lindsay felt she had to unleash the full power of the Firecrotch upon turning 21.

Dumb.

And it's not like even we would go see her new movie opening this weekend. First-row seats for her inevitable Larry King (or Barbara Walters?) interview, though.

Journalism

We can see it now:

Lifetime decides to greenlight the next big made-for-TV movie. Starring Abigail Breslin as the now-girl, Paw Prints on My Heart tells the chilling story of how a chihuahua's brave actions saved a life, but also marked a soul.

Following her sex-change op, allowing no men to approach her, Abigail's character comes to understand that a snake is not always a metaphor, and that letting others in is - ultimately - life's true, beautiful blessing.

Roma Downey co-stars.

The inspiration.

Brat

Paula Abdul totally loses it when she finds out she's been fired from the Bratz movie. PauAbd was supposed to be an executive producer, choreograph the dancing, and design the dolls' clothing.

She was fired via e-mail.

PP Overload

Still zero clues as to why Phoebe Price is mentionable (even Wikipedia is useless), but that's never stopped us before.

Here's a video of the fashion icon doing what we presume she does best: BS'ing a poor, unsuspecting, soon-to-be acolyte into submission.

Rihanna Wants to be More Than Radio-Friendly

New one: "Don't Stop the Music"

Melodrama Mojito Mambo!

Here at OLDL we were disappointed that we might have to sit through the dreadfulness that is "El Cantante" to soak up our own off-white version of summer overacting, fauxdorableness, and scriptlessness. Which is to say, a Latina "License to Wed."

GRACIAS A DIOS, J-Lo once again saves our collective soul by coming out with an inspired video for her second single (si, she has an album out), "Me Haces Falta." We have told her, lately, that we love her.

Don Imus Gets a Co-Host

TMZ has obtained a photo of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on the set of The Simple Life, with Sally Kirkland (who can also be seen at the top-left corner of our blogo) in "full-on blackface and an afro."

Nicole talked Kirkland into donning the getup to portray Lionel Richie in an episode of the show.

Even Las Latinas are careful to avoid touching this one with a 50-mile pole.

That said, Sally could've played Angelina Jolie's/Mariane "Litigatrix" Pearl 's father in "A Mighty Heart."

Correcto, we've bought ourselves first-class tickets to Hell and this is just another cocktail for the journey.

Doggie Style

Two great videos via WOW.

First up, Underdog's worst enemy: an army of laser-dodging hott bitches.



Followed by another clip from CBS's Big Brother 8. Here, we find Nick "I'm not gay, but if I was" LastName discussing the list of guys with whom he'd sleep. Note the "Brad Pitt - duh" comment, as well as the "Have you seen 'Snatch' or 'Fight Club'...? W-o-w" gem.

The Emmys Are Still Addicted to Irrelevancy

The Primetime Emmy noms were announced today. Kudos for recognizing 30 Rock, Extras, and Brothers & Sisters.

Huge mistakes: The Starter Wife, Boston Legal, etc.

More audacious, though, was failing to (again) genuinely recognize some of the best shows on television: The Wire, Gilmore Girls (THROW IT A BONE!), Battlestar Galactica, and Friday Night Lights.

Las Latinas love us some La Betty, but when TV miraculously manages to achieve so much, you cannot nominate Kiefer Sutherland in place of any of the young actors on the finest season of Baltimore's (and America's) mirror.


With that, the three-hour Emmy Awards ceremony will be broadcast Sept. 16 by Fox from the Shrine Auditorium, and we'll be playing new drinking games.

Spot the Leopard-Skinned Bitch

We want it: How to Be a Hott Old Mama and Bring All the Boys to the Yard.

(Source)

Hold Your Horses, Haters

After Monday's Posh special drew decent ratings, winning its timeslot, (desperate) NBC execs decided to repeat the show this Thursday in place of an ER rerun. There was silly talk of adding in some bonus footage or deleted scenes, but it was then decided to have Posh host the whole night.

Results can be seen Thursday night, with Posh appearing throughout the network's comedy lineup.

(More pics)

Lessons Learned from a History of Violence?

Yep, pedestrians still rule. But this is still adequately useful.

Not really SFW.

(Via WOW)

Hiss

Joan Collins, speaking of her former co-star Linda Evans, in a diary Collins wrote in 2006 of the two Dynasty divas’ appearances last year in a stage production of “Legends”:

“Linda arrives at first rehearsal with cosmetic-surgery tape over and under her eyelids and underneath her chin . . . Naturally, the cast all pretend to ignore this, but it’s obvious she’s come straight from either the face-lift shop or a car crash. She also has the weirdest collagen-enhanced lips I’ve ever seen. In fact, she epitomizes the expression ‘trout pout’ with those huge lips that make her look like a gargoyle when she smiles. It’s quite off-putting to have to look at that face, which used to be so pretty, and pretend not to notice.”

(Source)

No es Bueno: Val Kilmer

CARAMBA.

"Top Gun," "The Doors," "Heat," and "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang."

How did it come to this? Val looks like our one Republican uncle, he who banged the hell out of our aunt when she was babysitting his kids and cleaning the house he used to share with his (now) ex-wife.

This makes us a little sad, truthfully. Look at his face! He's embarrassed and resigned.

Upside: a Lou Pearlman movie is probably days away from being made and most of his former boyband clients are immediately available for filming. They're still casting the lead, and all Val needs is a little makeup and some glasses.

Maybe he's channeling Marlon Brando in "The Island of Dr. Moreau"?

Credit Where It's Due: Katie Holmes

We resisted liking Katie's new hairstyle because initially it struck us as matronly and dull.

Looking at these pictures of her at the NYC premiere of "Hairspray," though, we are slowly liking it as part of an overall cute look. Or perhaps we are relieved to see her without the gross, alien hobbitness that is Tom Cruise.

However, she's never going to get us to seriously call her "Kate" Holmes.

(Source)

The Ultimate Betrayal

The Killers singer Brandon Flowers and his wife Tana welcomed their first child, a boy, a source confirms to PEOPLE.

So his white offspring is recognized, but his 37 half-Latino kids remain in the shadows?

The Spirit of the Lindbergho Bebe is not amused.

The More Things Change...

Yeah, we're threading these together.

Ang Lee is back, but calm down, homos - it's not one of those movies again. Though the name of the film is "Lust, Caution."



Meanwhile, Donald Trump has invited Rosie to appear on a celebrity edition of The Apprentice.

Last and certainly least, Britney (above) just bought a puppy for $3,000. She's also auditioning for the inevitable award-winning roles of "Drunken Drag Queen Version of Natalie Portman in 'Closer'" *and* "Long-Lost Latina Cousin on the Street Corner" in the movie adaptation of our lives. Respect.

The Contrast, or, How to Lose Yourself Completely in The Fug

Clearly they're both trying really hard.

Jesse Metcalfe, who was once pretty cute and surely doable on Desperate Housewives, now looks like Britney Spears's next-door neighbor from way back when, a childhood friend who called her up a few days ago because he drove all the way to L.A. and is looking to make it big as an Eminem-mentored rapper with a heart of gold. He believes his first single could be a remixed version of Carrie Underwood's "Jesus, Take the Wheel," feat. Pharrell and Timbaland.

And then there's David Beckham. Honestly, he could wear a giant placenta and we'd figure out a way to use it in the bedroom. In the abstract, the camo shorts, hair, and sunglasses are open invitations to stab a guy in the ass cheek, but Becks just makes it work. Las Latinas would personally fund scientific research towards finding a cure for the mysterious "I'm unable to transform into Beckham's coffee-lid at will" syndrome. It makes a bit of sense and you know it.

His voice, however, is a little annoying and that's where the popsicles would come in handy.

Reality As We Know It

Not that you could have forgotten, but redundancy is inapplicable to Posh and Becks - Victoria Beckham: Coming to America begins tonight on NBC. Here's the queen on The Today Show.



We wonder if Matt Lauer, after his recent series of trashy interviews, has finally understood that Meredith Viera brought The View to NBC, far worse than anything Katie Couric brought to CBS's news division.

In some way related: why weren't we mentioned in this article? Infrequent posting can't be a cardinal sin.

Finally, our next favorito show has been announced - Snoop Dogg and his family are getting their own reality series on E! Entertainment Television.

"I Think My Father's Big Problem With My Relationship With Shinjin.."

"is that she's not alive. She's not a real person."

If you have 45 minutes to spare (and we'll admit it...we do), watch this amazing video about men who have lovers who will never leave them. Or, for that matter, even ever say a word to them. Or complain about their bad skin and horrific lack of social skills. Most disturbing moment? When one of the guys "cleans out" his doll girlfriend. Beware...much bitter complaining about "organic" women to follow.

Posted twice for some reason. Apologies.

Latinanalysis: Bart Marries Milhouse in the Upcoming Movie

Springfield, Vermont, has been proclaimed the official hometown of the Simpsons. The town beat out 13 other Springfields for the honor, which includes hosting the premiere of "The Simpsons Movie" on July 26th.

Videos of Things We Love. Today.

Mika and The Gossip's Beth Ditto



Big Brother 8



(Via Towleroad)

Moving On

Now that our littlest mofo, Knut, has reached the requisite assassin level, we present Heart-kun.

You KNOW Veruca Salt would give us anything for this little critter.

Our Least Favorite Best Nightmare

Breaking News: All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash

Las Latinas May Soon Be Able To Join The FBI!

Our dream soon realized, pesky entrance requirements be damned! Doesn't the FBI need some "former" Latina gang members in their ranks to do a little spying/doublecrossing?

"Trophy Wives with Their Little Black Books"

Kelly Clarkson's performance at Live Earth reminded us that "How I Feel" is the best song on her new album and needs to be released before summer '07 ends.



Suck it, Clive Davis.

Happiness Is a Warm Gun

Nothing new to see here, but a part of us wondered if this actually happened the first time we saw it live.

Yes, he's playing the guitar; correct, they're singing their songs.

Admission: could be worse.

Muy Cute: Rihanna & Kumi Koda

What is there to say?

Rihanna, who any regular OLDL reader knows sings one of our favorite songs this year, is uniquely able to pull off almost any outfit, no matter how problematic it may appear on paper.

Kumi Koda is equally nuts, similarly cute.

We think they joined forces to save the Earth from greenhouse gases or Al Gore's son, and we love them for it.

Bellas!

No es Bueno: Sarah Jessica Parker

Even though we felt like the uno, dos, tres...catorce chicas had thrown a party and forgotten to invite us time and again, Sex and the City was a show we enjoyed. Not a hint of color in sight, but enough wordplay and hot male ass to pass the night.

Moreover, it provided Christina Aguilera with a real chance to shine:



With that said, Las Latinas shall *not* permit Sarah Jessica Parker to celebrate the show's big-screen debut by invoking the spirit of Robo-Matriarch XVII. The shoes and purse are pretty, but SJP's dress recalls the most expensive comforter at our local Bed Bath & Beyond.

If this is by Valentino, we need more moonlight. ASAP.

The only girl that wants to have fun while wearing this disaster is married to our Dunce-in-Chief.

Arriba Videos!

For the cat lover:



(Source)

Oh. Also for the cat lover.

Clay Aiken is Not Embarrassingly Closeted, Untalented

Gotta Catch 'Em All

(Source)

A Little Sexiness For Your Day

These hott bitches need to be hired for *every* hip hop video. They add a truly elegant touch to Chris Brown's "Walk It Out." They have the Latina rhythm! After seeing this, Las Latinas are going to go walk it out just like them.

The Bad Ideas Club

Us Weekly has learned Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are doing a joint national tour. Launching this fall – after the August 3 release of their film "El Cantante" – the road show will feature the spouses singing in large arenas around the country. "They each will do their own Spanish and English songs and duet."

Papi, that sounds dreadful. J-Lo: que hiciste? Las Latinas are surely stealing some front-row tickets, but we admit that we'd have more fun watching cockfights. It's not like we haven't seen iguana-like animals grab a massive ass before.

In other news, this "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie has no other option save bombing at the box-office. (We hope?)

The poster hints at how cleverness was sacrificed for Jason Lee's salary. For one, Theodore - the one who used to be gay and always wore the green outfit - now reminds us of Turtle from Entourage. Are we not entertained? Yep, we ain't.

4 de Julio

Happy Independence Day, Whities!

To our Latina sisterhood: We live to fight another day. In the streets.

(Thanks to E for the Onion.)

Xtiny

Apparently, July 4th also celebrates independence from a stretch mark-less body: Christina Aguilera is preggers. She joins Ms. Richie in skinny motherhood. The presumed father is not hott.

We thought the father might be Robin Williams, but we were confused by his f*cking something else entirely: John Krasinski's movie career.

(Thanks to Will.i.tran for the baby name.)

John Legend is Happy to See You

John gets...excited while dancing with a female fan at a concert.

When a man tries this hard, we call "homo."

Somewhat NSFW?

Mama, Can You Hear Me?

Break out the pastel-colored baskets, blow up some balloons, and prep the preemie ICU: Nicole Richie is preggers.

The father is Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden. Probably.

2008's "Mother of the Year" award is unquestionably reserved for Nicole. And can you IMAGINE having Paris Hilton as an aunt? If we were a mini-Richie, we'd put a saddle on Paris's chihuahua and ride it until Hilton agreed to buy us a villa. Some herbs might also do.

Congratulations, Nicole - Las Latinas wish you health and success.

Though we wonder if your tummy is more the result of swallowing some drug-filled pellets and not of fertile love.

An Interactive, Gay Ol' Time

Breaking News: Vin Diesel in Talks to Play Disgraced A-List Actor Who Now Spends His Time at Reggaeton Concerts in the Dominican Republic

Let It Be So

Rumors that Dana Delany is joining Desperate Housewives are almost too exciting for words.

See, Dana was apparently originally offered the role of Bree but passed; she's now starving and wanting an iPhone, so she's swallowing her pride and signing up. The show could not get any worse, so we predict a good season.

Besides, Dana starred in Pasadena, one of the gultiest pleasures ever on TV, and an obvious inspiration for both Housewives and Brothers & Sisters (starting with the cast). Dios, that was a great show. Diane Keaton was an exec producer. Suicide, pseudo-incest, and alcohol abuse were featured in every episode. Had it not aired two weeks after 9/11, it could've found an audience. As is, it's a cult hit that occasionally gets a marathon on the SOAP Network.

Meanwhile, this headline made us laugh.

Cancers are Fun

Happy Birthday, Lindsay! Not sure what'll change now that you are 21, but Las Latinas expect bigger and better things, dearest Firecrotch.

Also, we know you're in rehab (when you feel like it) and probably too busy to add guests to your party invite, but we strongly suggest you invite these two. Wonder Twin powers, activate!

From Cute to Caliente: In Two Acts

Buy him:



Be her: