No es Bueno: Mary-Kate Olsen

You knew this was coming: Las Latinas vs. Las Olsen Twins.

Brief recap.

Bob Saget is hosting 1 vs. 100 and doing voiceovers for How I Met Your Mother. Stamos is on ER, which is allegedly enjoying a creative rebirth. (Whatevs.) Lori Loughlin is stuck acting with David Arquette in In Case of Emergency, but at least she's employed. Stephanie Tanner is recovering from drug addiction and probably dating some random douche. The girl who played Kimmy Gibbler is...WE'RE TOO TIRED TO PRETEND TO CARE. Dave Coulier is banging the next Alanis. Candace Cameron is psychotropically dealing with her guest-role on That's So Raven. Those cute little boys - remember them, the ones often seen French-kissing Comet, the golden retriever? - currently serve as our stabber-ninjas.

Which brings us to Mary-Kate and Ashley. We envy their bank account(s), no doubt. And some days we wish we could call them up and ask how that whole "NYU thing" resolved itself, since we love discouraging female educational advancement (the better to serve our recruiting).

Nonetheless, both twins could use a crash-course in the art of How to Refrain From Taking Your Regurgitated Salad and Making a Potato Sack Out of It. Or, a remedial class in Reversing Zombification.

Take MK (above), for example. Crazy kid. Nicole Kidman herself could not pull off the Russian mail-order turd look in Birthday Girl, so what makes you think you could?? The sunglasses better be hiding two empty eye-sockets. Not.To.Mention.The.Hair. You drive us locas, locas, locas!! You're a disgusting, boring wreckage. Go back to Starbucks and start gnawing on some cigarette-butt muffins.

(A massive check would be nice, though, as we always reconsider our opinions.)

(Picture came from People.com)