No es Bueno: Val Kilmer

CARAMBA.

"Top Gun," "The Doors," "Heat," and "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang."

How did it come to this? Val looks like our one Republican uncle, he who banged the hell out of our aunt when she was babysitting his kids and cleaning the house he used to share with his (now) ex-wife.

This makes us a little sad, truthfully. Look at his face! He's embarrassed and resigned.

Upside: a Lou Pearlman movie is probably days away from being made and most of his former boyband clients are immediately available for filming. They're still casting the lead, and all Val needs is a little makeup and some glasses.

Maybe he's channeling Marlon Brando in "The Island of Dr. Moreau"?

No es Bueno: Sarah Jessica Parker

Even though we felt like the uno, dos, tres...catorce chicas had thrown a party and forgotten to invite us time and again, Sex and the City was a show we enjoyed. Not a hint of color in sight, but enough wordplay and hot male ass to pass the night.

Moreover, it provided Christina Aguilera with a real chance to shine:



With that said, Las Latinas shall *not* permit Sarah Jessica Parker to celebrate the show's big-screen debut by invoking the spirit of Robo-Matriarch XVII. The shoes and purse are pretty, but SJP's dress recalls the most expensive comforter at our local Bed Bath & Beyond.

If this is by Valentino, we need more moonlight. ASAP.

The only girl that wants to have fun while wearing this disaster is married to our Dunce-in-Chief.

No es Bueno: Leelee Sobieski

Let's see: burnt-face Kevin Spacey from "Pay It Forward" meets Helen Hunt's forehead in "Twister"? Going out to lunch in Pattie Field's "Little Mermaid" teddie-cum-bib, obvi.

Hermes refuses Oprah's ass but allows Leelee to attend an event? Someone's blowing Hermes's head(honcho)...

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No es Bueno: Joey Lawrence

"WHOA!"

Now, Joey Lawrence was never hot. Not in our book. Flannel shirts wrapped around the waist and ewww-ish manes did not set our corazones aflutter. Plus, Angela Chase's Jared Leto was and always will be the master of that domain.

But Joey Lawrence was bearable. He had a nice bod, an arguably humble attitude, and an overall handsome appeal.

That era has ended.

Putting aside the egg-shaped head, we remain disgusted.

The sunglasses would be acceptable only if being used as water goggles to search for copies of Joey's recent film projects.

The shirt's gross pattern is somehow made worse by how it fits; if you're trying to squeeze a sausage into a condom, make sure the meat ain't pumped with steroids - oops, we meant antibiotics.

Unbuttoning said shirt to reveal a rosary leads you nowhere, as Dios never forgives The Bad Metrosexual Turned Samaritan. (Assuming this pic was taken at a charity event, which is debatable.)

Call us when your brother - the rather cute one from Boy Meets World - dumps that Dancing with the Stars slut.

No es Bueno: Anika Noni Rose

Oy, ANIKA.

Of course we remember you appeared in "Dreamgirls", and Las Latinas held you close to our corazon when J-Hud, Beyonce, and Eddie "A Donkey and a Fat Suit Cost Me An Oscar" Murphy stole the spotlight during that period.

Your voice is beautiful, your acting-range fairly impressive, your smile warm.

Plus, we're glad you're still allowed to walk red carpets and attend premieres.

Yet.

This dress does not make us feliz. It suggests a mutant hybrid of a zebra and gummy sour worms, with a splash of Pepto-Bismol.

And it fits you like an oven glove. You look twice your age, like someone in Florida who wanted to vote for Joe Lieberman, not Pat Buchanan, in the 2000 presidential election.

Don't go down this road, Anika. The Lifetime Network embraces all women, but - if necessary - we will cut you for your own good.

Latinagirls will sometimes leave you.

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No es Bueno: Kelly Clarkson

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly: since u been gone, you've gained some pounds. AND WE'RE OKAY WITH THAT. On its own. But then this...this...blue cow ensemble. Plus the leggings. With the high waistline. Also, the top looks like two animals' stomachs were sewn together after one birthed you.

Critics be damned - we heartily await your new album. If "rock" and "edgy" and "darker" are your aims, Las Latinas stand by you, as fellow independent women must.

In small part because of you, we broke away (and decimated) our childhood gang.

Never again, however, must you put together something so horrid. Never again will we hold back when confronted with the image of a Madison, WI, Halloween parade attendee. Never again will we tell ourselves, Avert your hazel eyes.

Never again.

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No Es Bueno

Where did this model come from? Our guess is from the depths of hell, although it's probably Estonia or (assholes!) Uzbekistan. Were this 1943, we might have guessed Auschwitz. Girl, you're in the land of plenty now. Stop being an eyesore and eat up. Tyra would *not* approve.

No es Bueno: Some Unknown

Supposedly, her name is Phoebe Price, but from now on, Las Latinas shall dub her "Your Significant Other's Semi-Innocent Foreign Co-Worker Whom You Must Tolerate During This Outing Because She's Trying Hard and You Want to Get Laid Tonight."

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No es Bueno: Avril Lavigne

Before you start your bitchin', Las Latinas wish to officially state that we don't *hate* Avril. She does her thing and fills a void in pop culture that someone needs to, so don't assume that this post, coupled with the recent clip from her SNL appearance, signals an anti-Avril fixation. Heck, "Girlfriend" is the new "Sk8er Boi" is the new "Complicated", and we've processed that.

THE LOVEFEST ENDS THERE.

These pics from Avril's album launch party (or from some other event - we don't do research) are nightmarish. Being punk, glam-rock, or pop-rock is not the same as applying makeup to resemble Marilyn Manson's ass or dressing like Kelly Osbourne during her very special episode of My Super Sweet 16. Sorry married life has gotten you frustrated, but the awfulness of this outfit couldn't be any more obvi.

There's no happy ending in sight, Avril, and lest you change your ways, Latina hate shall really follow.

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No es Bueno: Carrie Underwood

YEE-HAW, Y'ALL!!! It's me, Carrie, and I gotsa say: I lurve me some country music fans. So supportive and loyal, and always willing to slip me some Jack and slip off my American-flag & heart undies. Crazy, right?

Well, I'm here at the CMAs to perform one of my hit songs, and I hope you like it. No, I don't think I'll perform my magnum opus, "Jesus, Take the Wheel." Why? Ain't you cute for asking that question? Kisses!

So maybe I don't want to sing that song because a few hours before arriving to the ceremony tonight Jesus DID take the wheel, and we sped along some fashion decades and crashed into a parked vehicle here and there. LOOK AT THESE HOT PANTS. I could grill some patties and heat up some dogs on these. And my leg-warmers are the Innest of the In, correct? I'M JUST TOO PUT TOGETHER. But my point is that Jesus must be tired after all his driving, and he deserves a break. (Thank you, Lord, for exposing my yummy legs and shining Your metals about mine vessel.)

SOAK ME IN, Red States, and love it.

(Credit: Michael Loccisano/FilmMagic)

No es Bueno: Kate Walsh

ARGH! Kate knows how to look delish, as we've previously pointed out, and there are lickable (yes, lickable) aspects in these pics of her at the GLAAD Media Awards this weekend.

For one, the color on this dress is fantastic, and hard to get away with. The cut is controversial, but basically fine. Her hair color, as usual, is gorgeous, and in and of itself deserving of its own spin-off.

Her bangs, however, are the roughest we've observed in eons. They're more aggressive in taking over her face than most Iraqi insurgents would be.

Why, dear Kate, why??! You're a mature, elegant, sexy actress, plus you're allegedly dating some Brothers and Sisters irresistibleness (of course we hate you for it), so we refuse to let you self-destruct. Zero free-passes. Tough love, carrot-top.

So. Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd: wrestle these bangs into oblivion, take two of anything, and call us in the morning. But not too early.

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No es Bueno: Amanda Bynes

Uy, this is a painful moment in Our Lips Don't Lie history.

Caveat: we like Amanda Bynes. How can you not? She was in "She's the Man" and "What a Girl Wants," two cute (when the viewer indulges in nature's best, perhaps) movies that we turn to when our gang-ravaged souls need healing. Plus, Amanda knows Jennie Garth. For what that's worth. So that's what we like about her.

Still.

Turning 21 does not give you an excuse to unleash your eww hair, ack skin, and bizarro eyes upon the populace. One of Bynes's greatest claims to fame was her ability to peacefully deal with Nick Zano while looking real and healthy. Her sobriety. Her traditional use of a mirror.

Come back to us, Amanda.

P.S. What's the caloric content of the butter in that mediocre-looking cake? We venture to say the same as whichever you applied on your face for this special occasion.

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No es Bueno: Keira Knightley

OMG, soooo cute! Keira and Her Current Boytoy (Las Latinas could easily find his name, because he played the hott-in-red but douchy soldier in "Pride & Prejudice," but why bother) are taking a stroll around London.

Wait, what's that in the bag HCB is carrying?? Is it the matching Raggedy Andy costume to go with Keira's Wednesday Addams/Raggedy Ann mashup mess? Or is it the script for a secret remake of "Benny & Joon", starring Keira and HCB in the title roles originated by Johnny "Dirty Pirate 'Ho" Depp and now-starving (dead?) actress Mary Stuart Masterson? At any rate, they are method-acting to the max.

Oh, now we know what's hidden in the bag: a gun to defend against the gordo man following them on the sidewalk. A brave and honorable man who appears to have slashed HCB's jeans while really aiming for his knees.

Henceforth, Las Latinas encourage and endorse this form of fashion critique.

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No es Bueno: Dr. Rey

Oh, Dr. Rey. Las Latinas are simply head over heels in love with your shallow-on-the-surface but actually depressed, long-suffering spouse Hayley. We are not so fond of your suit. Were you hoping that the desperate starlet/sorostitute set whose boob jobs finance your lifestyle would be impressed with the success you must be having in order to own such clothing? Alas, Las Latinas know Hayley, and Hayley swears she will *not* bear any more of the children you so covet if you continue to dress like this. That being said, we will always respect Dr. Rey for writing a poem to his dead chihuahua that made us cry.

No es Bueno: Chloe Sevigny

We weren't aware that Chloe played one of 3 wives on the controversial polygamist dramedy Dynasty. Nor did we know that Uma Thurman left any decorative fabric intact after her Tokyo rampage in "Kill Bill."

Regardless, Las Latinas are clearly not mistaken when we look at Chloe and therefore want someone to jump in the car behind her and put the pedal to the metal.

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No es Bueno: David Beckham

Las Latinas didn't realize that Lenny and Forrest Gump had a gay cousin.

(Posh still - barely - manages to get away with most.)

Credit

No es Bueno: La Madonna

Mama Madonna,

Don't get us wrong.

There are INDIVIDUAL elements of this..."ensemble" that we could be cool with. The argyle's cute (though Las Latinas never wear such a thing), as is the vest (but only in sub-zero regions, like Detroit).

The one true thing, however, is that this COMBINATION is more reminiscent of an exoskeleton-themed Kabbalah-blah-blah party. And to that, Las Latinas say: "No es bueno."



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No es Bueno: Mary-Kate Olsen

You knew this was coming: Las Latinas vs. Las Olsen Twins.

Brief recap.

Bob Saget is hosting 1 vs. 100 and doing voiceovers for How I Met Your Mother. Stamos is on ER, which is allegedly enjoying a creative rebirth. (Whatevs.) Lori Loughlin is stuck acting with David Arquette in In Case of Emergency, but at least she's employed. Stephanie Tanner is recovering from drug addiction and probably dating some random douche. The girl who played Kimmy Gibbler is...WE'RE TOO TIRED TO PRETEND TO CARE. Dave Coulier is banging the next Alanis. Candace Cameron is psychotropically dealing with her guest-role on That's So Raven. Those cute little boys - remember them, the ones often seen French-kissing Comet, the golden retriever? - currently serve as our stabber-ninjas.

Which brings us to Mary-Kate and Ashley. We envy their bank account(s), no doubt. And some days we wish we could call them up and ask how that whole "NYU thing" resolved itself, since we love discouraging female educational advancement (the better to serve our recruiting).

Nonetheless, both twins could use a crash-course in the art of How to Refrain From Taking Your Regurgitated Salad and Making a Potato Sack Out of It. Or, a remedial class in Reversing Zombification.

Take MK (above), for example. Crazy kid. Nicole Kidman herself could not pull off the Russian mail-order turd look in Birthday Girl, so what makes you think you could?? The sunglasses better be hiding two empty eye-sockets. Not.To.Mention.The.Hair. You drive us locas, locas, locas!! You're a disgusting, boring wreckage. Go back to Starbucks and start gnawing on some cigarette-butt muffins.

(A massive check would be nice, though, as we always reconsider our opinions.)

(Picture came from People.com)

No es Bueno: Jena Malone

If Susan Sarandon saw you now, she'd die all over again.

(From Missssssshapes)

No es Bueno: Mischa Barton

Hey, Marissa Cooper: WTF?

(Oh, do not think for a second that we will forget your greatest role. Sure, some fat bastards here and there may remember that you also had a cameo in "Notting Hill," or that you vomited in "The Sixth Sense." But to us you will always be The O.C.'s resident queen bee.)

How can you go from one beautiful extreme (above) to the OTHER? Did you resurrect as a butterfly in Oliver's dissection-collection without telling anyone? (Psst: I hope you know Ryan has moved on. Such a hussy, but hotter than ever.)

Summer has been looking cute as a button lately, so you need to rekindle that friendship, ASAP. Unless Oliver is holding you hostage again, in which case you should text Seth and have him send Sandy to the nearest hotel room.

And set you free, so you can spread your wings and fly, butterfly...